Well, we had a pretty good run. After 140 or so years of independence, The Sun’s editorial board has officially accepted Cornell’s offer of first priority on housing and pre-enroll and free free expression ice cream for our editors in exchange for our incorporation into the Cornell Chronicle. We couldn’t be more excited for this new partnership, and we believe that together, we’ll be able to reach new heights in hard-hitting, high-quality pro-administration propaganda.
For those skeptical of the transition: Don’t worry — we will still be doing some of the great investigative and opinion content that you’ve grown to know and love. We’ve already started an exciting investigation into what makes Ryan Lombardi so cool, and we’re really excited to introduce our new columnists, whether it’s the ILR PR team, the Arts and Sciences PR team or even the CALS PR Team. This is going to be the same old Sun — just newer, better and occasionally censored by the wonderful folks at Cornell Media Relations.
As we get started in our new role, we’d also like to set the record straight. First, we want to formally retract and apologize for everything mean we’ve previously said about President Pollack and her administration. We’re very sowwy. We were just jealous. The fact of the matter is that Cornell literally could not be better run. We’ve got the best, most accessible, most affordable housing of any university in the country. We invite only the best, most well-spoken and least racist speakers to visit campus. Okenshields serves only delicacies, and, frankly, if it weren’t on a college campus, it’d have a Michelin Star. These are just facts, and anything we or anyone else has said to the contrary was a lie.
At the end of the day, we’re very excited for our incorporation into the Cornell Chronicle. And we’ve learned a lot about journalism along the way, too! After all, what could be a better expression of commitment to the free press than acquiring, absorbing and censoring the main newspaper on campus?
xoxo
— The Censorial Board
Editor’s Note: 4/20 content is a part of The Sun’s joke issue and contains exaggerated and factually inaccurate information.