Freaky little animals at the zoo have been kidnapping virgins and conducting sacrifices. What do they want? I don't know, ask them yourself.

April 20, 2024

Nocturnal Animals Show Increase in Ritualistic Behavior, Sacrifices Following Total Solar Eclipse

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In the week following the April 8 total solar eclipse, researchers with the Project for Understanding Several Species observed ritualistic behavior among nocturnal animals at the Zoo Zoo Zoo. 

Nocturnal animals are species that are typically more active at night. According to PUSS lead Zoe Olygist, this can explain the increase in nocturnal animal activity during the total solar eclipse. Despite this previous understanding, researchers are uncertain why peculiar activity continued in the week following April 8.

“We expected the raccoons to begin acting up,” Olygist said. “We didn’t expect them to start holding vigils, blackmailing staff and attempting to kidnap virgins.”

Zoo raccoons did not respond to repeated requests for comment. However, multiple accounts corroborate their unusual behavior.

“I was just trying to sleep when I suddenly felt these small hands tugging on my arms and pulling off my blanket,” said virgin Mary Jane. “At first I thought I was dreaming but then I smelled the skunk and woke up.”

It is rare for unusual behavior to occur long-term following an eclipse, according to Olygist. However, in the week since the eclipse, motion-sensor cameras have observed the raccoons freeing other animals from their enclosures each night.

Zoo staff have also noticed candles and other personal items going missing. The researchers noted that the raccoons acted as ringleaders, guiding other nocturnal animals, such as owls and coyotes, to write runes on the ground with their paws, claws and hands.

“I’m not too worried,” said custodian Steve Irwin. “At first, it seems a bit scary, you know, a possum laying at the center of this circle with candles, but it’s not a real sacrifice — the possum only plays dead.”

While Irwin is unconcerned with the ritualistic behavior, other zoo residents are far more bothered.

“We are scared,” said gorilla Cocoa in a sign language interview with The Sun. “It is hard to sleep at night because they are so loud. The owl chants for hours, and I keep noticing pieces of my fur going missing.”

Cocoa and the other diurnal animals — animals active during the day — fear the consequences of the rituals.

“A few days ago, one of the ostriches said that the nocturnal animals are trying to summon eternal nighttime,” Cocoa said. “The sheep are now completely convinced that is the case.”

While the rituals spark fear in zoo occupants, the researchers at PUSS are becoming increasingly concerned.

“At first I thought it was fascinating,” Olygist said. “Now, I fear for my life.”

Editor’s note: The custodian, Steve Irwin, mentioned in the article has no relation to the Australia Zoo crocodile hunter Steve Irwin.

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