Welcome back whores, virgins, savants and screen lurkers. I would like to begin my run of Sex on Thursday for the 2024-2025 academic year with a powerful anecdote and a lesson that I truly thought we were — as a society — beyond needing to teach: The important and un-optional nature of sexual transparency between partners.
I have a friend, her name is Lucy. For better or for worse, Lucy has spent the past two-and-a-half years of her college life in what she and I have taken to calling a “sexless marriage;” living with her monogamous, male partner for upwards of a year, never once having sex. Scratch that – never having any form of sexual intimacy. No handys, no mouthys, nothing of any kind; just Lucy and her 8-speed rabbit vibrator against the world… Oh, the things we sacrifice for the sake of love.
After a grand awakening to some other shortcomings in Lucy’s relationship, she and her partner decided it was time to peacefully embark on their separate paths. With only a few more months of college ahead of her, back living with her parents and fresh off of two-and-a-half years of celibacy, Lucy decided one thing: It was time to fuck.
With this objective in mind, Lucy did what many would do and turned to ‘ol reliable: a past high school fling. Although the two had never had sex, Lucy thought it was safe to assume that the four years since high school had matured them both, and he would know what she was after… She was right. Sexual frustration gave Lucy the courage to drive to his house after work one afternoon, and a couple of Smirnoff Ices gave her the courage she needed to get into bed and end her sexual drought.
On her drive home the next morning, Lucy was feeling how any woman who just got dicked down for the first time in two-and-a-half years would feel: satisfied. For the first time in a long time, she was proud of herself for knowing what she wanted and going after it.
The experience was so enjoyable that the next weekend, with an empty house, Lucy decided to invite her casual fling over for some wine and relaxation. He quickly agreed, as casual flings often do, and no sooner was she on her way to pick him up. (Note: This is when things get really great for the anecdote and really not-so-great for Lucy).
Her fling hopped into the passenger seat of Lucy’s car and promptly said the number two thing you never want to hear from a casual fling: “We need to talk.” Her heart began to beat a bit more quickly, and then he said the #1 thing you never want to hear from a casual fling: “I have herpes.”
What the fuck? thought Lucy. She knew damn well she hadn’t given it to him. Turns out, her fling had contracted herpes from an ex-girlfriend a few months back and, for the next five minutes Lucy heard every excuse in the book: “I forgot to tell you,” “I meant to tell you,” even “I tried to drop hints before we had sex but you weren’t picking up on them.” …What the FUCK. Lucy promptly left her fling — confused about why his herpes confession was such a big deal — standing in his driveway and rage-drove home.
Flustered by the news she had just received, a million thoughts raced through Lucy’s head, most prominently: Was failing to explicitly ask her fling about STDs her fault? Was this her fault, for not picking up on his so-called “hints” about having an STD? Even after multiple affirming phone calls with friends (all of whom were disgusted by her fling’s behavior), I know she is still wondering if the great herpes run-in was somehow her responsibility.
Now, here’s where I come in, to assert as clearly as possible for Lucy, for those who have gone through a similar experience, and for anyone currently thinking that any part of Lucy’s situation falls back on her: Sexual transparency is the expectation, and withholding information that could in any way affect the sexual safety or wellbeing of your partner is equally as bad as lying about it. It doesn’t matter if you’re embarrassed or scared you’ll miss out on an escapade, it is required to disclose things like STDs to a potential partner.
This is not to say that those who are sexually active shouldn’t take it upon themselves to inquire about things like STDs and sexual history. In an age where screenings are the most accessible they have ever been (hopefully this lasts), asking your partners to be tested is not an unreasonable expectation. That being said, it is not the responsibility of someone to ask about their partner’s health if that isn’t their imperative, and not being asked is not an invitation to omit the truth.
Collectively, we need to get to a place where STDs aren’t a damning scarlet letter for someone hoping to be sexually active. And with therapy, modern medicine, and normalization, we are moving toward that. But until everyone is ready to include diagnoses in their Tinder and Grindr profiles, we have no choice but to fall back on clear, concise communication.
I urge you all to journey forward into your semester with this — all 50 states have some iteration of protection in place for those who are exposed to HIV by a partner who has knowingly failed to disclose their status. Withholding sexual context that could potentially affect a partner is dangerous, childish, and utterly inexcusable.
Annie Position is a student at Cornell University. Comments can be sent to [email protected]. The Sin Series runs during alternate Sex on Thursdays this semester.
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