Collegetown Bagels

A CTB Order for Every Zodiac Sign

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Aries — March 21 to April 19 

The Southwest Breakfast Wrap has a little bit of everything with a spicy kick to pair with an Aries’ spunkiness. Aries are not afraid of a challenge and can take on this monstrous burrito filled with scrambled eggs, black beans, green peppers, jalapenos, salsa and pepper jack without hesitation. Easily bored, they opt for the seasonal lemonade to keep things fresh and new. 

Taurus — April 20 to May 20

Tauruses fall in love with the soothing aromas of this CTB order. The Stewart Parker provides a turkey and cheese combo on a buttery croissant that makes Tauruses feel at home. This simple order neglects out-of-the-ordinary ingredients that would scare a Taurus away; the addition of a hot tea provides a few minutes of much needed relaxation before returning to their studies.

Sex on Thursday

SEX ON THURSDAY | Sex-o-Scope

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Oh, how the stars have aligned! Check out your sex-o-scope for the next month to ensure you’re prepared for whatever dirty delights are in your future! Aries (March 21 – April 19): The piercing on your foreskin will get snagged on the inside of your second-favorite inflatable sex doll and you’ll be forced to walk to Cornell Health with an Inflatable Judy Doll dangling from your flaccid micropenis. The nurse will look exactly like your mother. Taurus (April 20 – May 20): While singing “Your Body Is A Wonderland” in the back of a broken-down tour bus, a lustful John Mayer will give you mediocre, toothy head.