By ALICE WANG
Despite the fact that HBO’s Girls wrapped up its second season in March of this year, Hannah Horvath and the rest of her gang of entitled Millennials are still (still!) impossibly relevant. I hate it as much as I love it, which is to say a lot, but Lena Dunham (aka Hannah Horvath…aka Lena Dunham — the two are inextricably linked) continues to trigger many a journalistas’ QWERTY fingers with just a tweet or two.
Last month was, of course, Tina Fey’s painfully accurate SNL Girls spoof, which introduced an Albanian refugee, Blerta, as the fifth girl. Soon after, Hustler released its XXX-rated porn parody of Girls, featuring girl-on-girl action significantly less awkward than Hannah’s actual muffin-topped granny-panty sex scenes — again, painfully accurate down to Hannah’s unflattering crocheted crop tops. Then, of course, there’s the revolving door of the cast list — Charlie’s leaving, Elijah’s staying, the first female black character is arriving—and all the while the only promos floating around are HBO’s minute-long photo scrapbooks of Lena Dunham’s Instagram. Now, Anna Wintour is courting Lena Dunham to cover the face of Vogue, and Dunham is writing other pilots, so, basically, the world will soon collapse into one giant shorterall-wearing, e-book deal-wielding Brooklynite population of gratuitous nudity.
We are going to let this happen because I must know whom Shoshanna is fucking next season. And according to the recently released teaser by HBO, Shoshanna is crawling out of top floor dormitory bunks at ungodly hours, performing her walks of shame with all kinds of Hunger Games-esque hairdos. At just 105 seconds long, the teaser video lives up to its blue ball nature by just giving us the slightest hint of what’s to come in its super vague, super nebulous way. However, here’s some stuff we learn:
Hannah is happy and normal(ish).
Probably undeservedly but whatever. She is almost guaranteed to self-sabotage her own happiness for the entirety of season three in what will likely be the most unbearable, self-serving way. She’s back together with Adam, and her e-book deal is solid again, which is kind of preposterous given last season’s hasty denouement of a finale. I mean, last we saw her, Hannah had just poked through her own eardrum — an act infinitely more grotesque than any beheading Game of Thrones could have conjured. Fortunately for us, Hannah’s happiness could mean a decrease in overzealous Q-tip usage but a definite increase in rape-y vibed sex scenes with Adam, resulting in a net loss of cringe-worthy moments.
Jessa “kicks up a lot of dust.”
As the clip says, “Sometimes people need to make a lot larger strides to find themselves.” Jemima Kirke, just like her character Jessa, seems to have mastered the art of speaking without actually saying anything at all. The clip shows a disproportionate number of scene snapshots in which there is actual grass and natural landscapes, so my guess is that Jessa is either babysitting in the Hamptons or she’s trying to make inroads with her father in Poughkeepsie.
Marnie is “manically grieving.”
Ugh. UGH. She’s the actual worst. If you like Marnie, you are probably also that kid who thinks Monica in Friends is funny. Anyway, Marnie is falling apart like she always is, like a goddamn disaster wearing purple peplum. Now that Christopher Abbott has left the show due to creative differences, Marnie will get infinitely less exciting all while I’m sure she believes the opposite is true. I’m pretty sure Charlie was the best part about Marnie so now that he’s gone and she probably won’t be picking up any more chubby wedding singers like in season one’s finale (or It-boy artists like Booth Jonathan), maybe it’s time for a character axe. Or maybe she’ll get more interesting. The odds are pretty 50/50 at this point.
Ray is a “coffee impresario.”
He’s got a booming coffee/pizza place in Brooklyn. The Ray-Shosh saga cannot end. You don’t just have a crack-cident with a dude and forget about it. Even though Shoshanna seems to have found her sexual awakening, I’m sure Ray’s newfound success will complicate her reasons for breaking up with the 34-year-old.
As Lena Dunham says, “He’s so fun and he’s so wise in such a rude, mean way.” This is kind of how I hope to be described, so I’m glad someone will be around to sassily assault the rest of the delusional cast with all those hard truths.