April 1, 2002

C.U. Segregates Classes

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Citing the success of the all-freshmen North Campus Residential Initiative, University planners have decided to take the next step and divide additional University dorms by class, according to Hank N. Dullea 1861, vice president for University relations.

Instead of moving from an all freshman dorm on North to one mixed with sophomores, juniors and seniors together on West, this year’s freshman class can look forward to one more year’s worth of facetime — with each other.

The current freshmen will move to a sophomore housing complex to be built on University playing fields on Triphammer Rd., in the style of the current freshmen halls, Court and Mews.

“The University feels that since we spent so much money on the [North Campus Residential Initiative] to create a common identity for the freshman class, why chance it being broken up now when we can keep it going for three more years?” Dullea said.

He then laughed demonically.

While officials from ResLife would not comment directly on the new housing plan, they did note that all rooms chosen during last weekend’s room selection would be rescinded and saved for a new junior class residential suite on West Campus, built with the same blueprints as Class of ’22 Hall.

Upon hearing that they would not have the opportunity to live on the West Campus of which they’ve dreamed, many freshmen reacted at a Easter Sunday early morning rally outside Robert Purcell Marketplace Eatery.

“This is wrong,” yelled a student who wished to remain anonymous, “If I wanted to live with the same group of people I’ve seen for the past eight months I would have made that choice.”

“The truth is I don’t want to be around these people anymore!” Eric Miller said. Oops, anonymous guys said, I mean. Shit.

Many parents visiting for the Passover and Easter holidays looked back on their years in college and joined the 20 protesters with banjos, tambourines and well wishes.

“We hope that whatever it is [our son] is fighting for he’ll get because we’re spending all our goddamn money to make sure he gets some type of lesson in how the world works, right?” one parent commented. His wife then bitch-slapped him.

He replied to her violent outburst with unrestrained contempt.

“No one reads The Sun, bitch,” he said.

Although the demonstrations were almost silenced by the noise of the Marketplace Eatery itself, they continued to fight until North Star opened for lunch.

Dullea noted that guards will patrol the new sophomore houses to make sure that no members of other classes enter the new facility.

“[The University thinks] that in the end, the current freshmen will thank us for making sure that they couldn’t go meet some upperclass person, making friends and potentially getting drunk with them at some off-campus frat party. I know they’ll thank us,” Dullea added. “In fact

EDITOR’S NOTE: April Fools! We got you this time. This story is not real.

Archived article by Carlos Perkins