April 1, 2002

Cornell Review Receives Prestigious Award

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In a move that has been anticipated since its first publication in 1984, The Cornell Review has recently been short-listed for several national awards for excellence in college journalism. Nods came last week from the NAACP, the Human Rights Campaign and the Anti-Defamation League among other organizations.

“With each subsequent issue, the Review shows just how much compassion they have for their fellow human begins,” said James Crowe, author of the acclaimed text Journalistic Integrity in 19th Century Mississippi.

“It’s rare that a newspaper, especially a college publication, is so unbiased, so fair … I’ve seen many larger papers that could take a lesson from the Review.”

Crowe went on to characterize the periodical as “One of the most compelling college periodicals currently in publication. I don’t know why they haven’t received more recognition. Surely,” he said, “such an intelligent and inclusive paper should have a larger readership.”

Additional recognition came from the Society for News Design (SND), a not-for-profit organization based in Washington, D.C. A spokesperson for SND, Levi Silverman, noted the Review’s sophisticated design, layout and their top-notch copy editing as primary reasons for the recent nomination.

“This award won’t be an easy one to win,” cautioned Silverman, adding, “The Review will be up against some tough competition.”

Other nominations in this category went to Conyer Elementary School (located in central Calif.) for their weekly newsletter, The Cougar, and to Tall Pines Nursing Home for what Silverman calls the “most colorful and creative bulletin board I’ve ever seen.”

Perhaps the most surprising award came from Hollywood’s own Starlight Talent Agency who, after repeated reports, decided to investigate rumors that the Review’s editorial staff is composed of amazingly attractive individuals.

“We were really just acting on a hunch,” said the agency’s primary scout, Carmen Bowers. “As extensive research shows,” she said, “editorial boards aren’t very attractive.

“So, when we heard about the Review, we were a little skeptical. What we found astounded us. Nearly every person on their staff is nothing less than what I’d call, well, beautiful,” she added.

As a result of Bowers’ discovery, members of the Review’s editorial staff were given a plaque inscribed with the latin word for beauty.

“Unfortunately, none of us know Latin,” said Review columnist Beau Sablia.

In the wake of this wave of national attention, The Cornell Review has received kudos from such icons as popular television show host Mark Finkelstein.

In response to Finkelstein’s praise, Sablia said, “His remarks were really well received here at the Review. Since he’s such a celebrity, it came as a real surprise. I even got to shake his hand.”

But even with all of the attention, The Cornell Review shows no signs of slowing down. “We’re nowhere near out peak,” Sablia said. “Not only do I not believe in climaxing,” he reiterated, “but I don’t think any of us could, even if we wanted to.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: April Fools! We got you this time. This article is not real.

Archived article by Nate Brown