I’ll be honest. I’m generally very sheep-like in my willingness to accept fashion trends, despite their obviously arbitrary origins. There are times, however, when even I must say “no,” and here they are, in all their separate, irksome glory.
Giant, square watches that dwarf your wrist have always puzzled me in terms of trends. Unless you are on parole and under house arrest, it is inconceivable why would you want such a chunky monstrosity strapped indefinitely around your limbs? Being late is at least better than impersonating a Power Ranger.
Wouldn’t it be cool if we fused athletic sneakers with stiletto heels into a new form of footwear? No. That would actually be hideous and impractical. These look like the love-child of a Manolo Blahnik boot and a wrestling shoe. But have fun being “athletic” in these.
Huge Ass Sunglasses
When half your face is hidden beneath two huge, opaque circles, you are no longer channeling style, but merely channeling a fly. Unless you are blind, working in a radiation therapy lab, or suffering from macular degeneration, you have no right to put these windshields on your face.
These would be cool, if you were part of a hunting party, forty years ago, and in need of head insulation. These are, by the way, the same hats that were handed out when you played tee-ball. And they were free back then, so why people would pay money for them now is asinine. People need to realize that when choosing role models, Ashton Kutcher should never make your top ten list.
Louis Vuitton Pastel Bags
Let’s be honest. Did you buy this bag because of its spectacularly attractive pattern? Did the idea of carrying around what, from afar, resembles a montage of Lucky Charms marshmallows appeal to you? These colors are about as pleasing to look at as what you puke up after going on a Smarties and Pixie Stix bender. But hey, I’ll be the first to admit that I wish I had thought of charging nearly $500 for a candy vomit colored purse. Spend away, people, spend away.
Why have you violated terrycloth by forcing it into the realm of day-to-day clothing? Once a bath-time favorite, terrycloth is now worn regularly. Unless there is a severe cotton shortage or your name is J-lo, there can never be an excuse for towel pants.
Archived article by Tracy Zhang and Zach Jones