Last week, I went on a tirade in this very space about the H-Bomb, a horribly banal and pathetic attempt by Harvard students at a porno magazine. In doing so, I made a rash and unscrupulous judgment against said magazine.
I would now like to take this opportunity to set the record straight. I was finagled. As it turns out, there was a reason that the H-Bomb I saw was so bad and the models so ugly — it was a satire made by the Harvard Lampoon.
Yes. I, Zach Jones, was duped into writing 500 unfunny and juvenile words about masturbating and a magazine that is entirely fake. Now, I am forced to gather the pieces of my shattered self. Damn you, Lampoon. What you did was cruel and thoughtless. When plotting out your elaborate and witty hoaxes, you should exercise more regard and concern for students at lesser academic institutions. You should have known that there were people as gullible, infantesimal, and with as degraded of an I.Q. as myself. It’s not my fault that I swallowed fluid in the birth canal and spent a week in an incubator.
This is an embarrassment, and one that will likely haunt me for a few more minutes. In the past week, I was bombarded with hate mail, describing me in such stinging terms as “shady,” “offensive,” and “inappropriate.” In the most hurtful incident, I was publicly mocked on the ever-illustrious and never self important Pitchforkmedia.com staff message board by one Nick Sylvester, who sarcastically referred to my article as a “gem.” I now know what other fallen icons must feel like, such as Michael Jackson, David Lee Roth, and Marv Albert.
I am forced to chalk last week’s article up as yet another failure in a very long and sordid line of failures. And, in penance for my misjudgment, I would now like to take this opportunity to degrade and insult myself.
Zach Jones is a worthless, stupid, and inarticulate fuckhead. He is pale and ugly. He is afraid of people, and instead of holding conversations, stands against the wall and looks creepy. Daily, he fantasizes about a life he does not and never will have. Weekly, he edits this painfully poor excuse for an entertainment section. He has no balls, and continually allows other people to take advantage of him. The high point of his week has been sitting in his underwear, listening to pussy rock, talking to himself, and writing this boring and pointless Rant. Real creative, Zach, another stroke of fucking brilliance. No wonder they made you an editor. And goddammit, why have I been referring to myself in third person for this whole paragraph? I am awful. My mother should have done the right thing and aborted me while I was still a fetus.
Wow, I feel better.
Now, in defense of myself, I would like to say that my criticisms were not totally unjustified. After all, Fox News fell for it as well, and we all know how intelligent, fair, and balanced they are in their reporting. And, in all fairness, the Lampoon’s so-called “satire” was not funny at all. I always thought that calling oneself a “lampoon” entailed being humorous. But that’s just me, and as we all know, my word has zero credibility.
I’m sorry, H-Bomb. I didn’t mean to trash you before you even seeing your magazine. Christ, I feel like a conservative Christian. You’ll probably publish a fine porno magazine. I’ll just live in ingnominy, editing this train-wreck called daze.
Archived article by Zach Jones