September 9, 2004

The DAZE Rant

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It”s Wednesday night, and it”s raining. Erica and Freda both have the flu, and Owen”s next. We”re writing this stupid Rant because the guy who was supposed to write it sent in his resignation letter instead of his assignment.

Meanwhile, there”s some scary guy outside the Sun building who said he wanted to kill Owen because he, Owen, that is, is gay. Despite popular belief, Owen”s not gay, even though he wears stylin” Diesel jeans. Not that there”s anything wrong with that. But, he is single, and he desperately needs a girlfriend. So if you or anyone you know is a girl who is looking for a nice, Jewish sports editor, then give him a call. At The Sun. The one caveat to dating him is that you can only see him between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. The rest of the time he belongs to Freda. Get used to it.

By the way, the crazy guy outside said to EJ, ‘I don”t care if I”m drunk or not. I”ll punch you in the jaw; I”ll punch you in the jaw.’ He also demanded to know if Chris was calling 911 while he — Chris, that is — was on the phone with his parents. Somehow, Kyle avoided this dude. What the fuck?

Meanwhile, Freda is convinced the apartment above her was Creeped. She heard a voice above her scream, ‘Who the fuck are you?’ at 3:30 in the morning followed by sprinting across the floor. You tell me, what else could that have been?

We”re thinking either that or Freda”s upstairs neighbors have a really strange way of amusing themselves. Like the kids at Llenroc. That shit”s fucked up. How you gonna go film your own ‘brother’ having sex? Girls, stay away from Llenroc boys. Date Owen instead.

The problem with spending all of our time at The Sun, is that we very rarely get to see the actual sun. Not that it mattered today. But in general. We miss normal life. A lot. Those of you who write letters to the editor, write requesting that the weatherman change the weather. That shit”s also fucked up.

One time, Freda was in a movie theater, and this guy got up in the middle of the movie and said, ‘I paid me a lot of shit for this shit, and this shit ain”t shit.’ Then he left.

You know what”s a great song? ‘My Shit”s Fucked Up.’ Ah, Warren, may you rest in peace. You live on, here at The Sun, where we”ve all heard Excitable Boy so many damn times that we”ve started to have a weird Pavlovian reaction to Beef Chow Mein. Cause Pavlov, dogs, (were)wolves. Get it?

Ever hear this one? Werewolf! Where wolf? There wolf. There castle. Oh, I guess that doesn”t work in print.

We just want you all to know that the clitoris is not in the vagina. Owen knows that. At least it”s Hump Day, and we have a really good chocolate chip cookie from Wegmans. Also, ‘Rescue Me’ is on soon. So, we”re gonna go watch it. Bye!

Archived article by Sun Staff