February 3, 2005

Taste Matters

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As much as you think you know about girls, I’ll bet there are some things that would really surprise you. Did you know that girls like to cry when they’re drunk? Did you know that girls like to cry when they’re not drunk? And whine? A lot? About nothing? You probably didn’t know that. Or did you know that girls hate guys and secretly (and sometimes not so secretly) just want to make out with other girls all the time? Yup. That last one is my favorite.

College can be tough on girls — living off of your parents for four years of fun, drinking and wearing Burberry interspersed with four hours of class every week is no walk in the park. Girls have to be a lot more careful with their social lives than guys; a guy passes himself around a lot and we call him a “player” whereas we call a girl who does the same thing, well, awesome. Why is this? I don’t really know. What I do know is that, as I have always believed, the best connection between a man and a woman is food. Food is a beautifully intricate part of the mating ritual. If your date really sucks, eating gives you something to do with your mouth besides speak.

Unfortunately, in the busy tundra/hell that is Cornell, guys do not usually find or take the time to bring a date out for a nice dinner. Ithaca may be small and not the most elite restaurant town in the country, but honestly, how many Cornell students besides me can really tell the difference? It’s the thought that precedes the actual destination. Okay, so with that knowledge, it shouldn’t be difficult to find a place to eat. Again, Ithaca may not be much more than two colleges and a cross-dressing cyclist, but there are a bunch of decent places to take that special someone, even if you still don’t know her name.

Being a man of culinary prowess, I feel that I am able to divulge some key tips to winning a girl’s affection at the dinner table. Eating dinner successfully in a restaurant without looking like a shmuck is not an easy task. If you want to be the chief boot knocka A1 stake sauce on the Kobe beefcake, then perhaps you will take some of my tips to heart and use them. My knowledge comes from many visits to restaurants, observations of human interactions in the aforementioned setting and hours of painstaking analysis of shows like Blind Date or MTV’s Dismissed. Let’s start with simple stuff. If you don’t drive something foreign and expensive, then you’d better borrow from someone, cheapo. You don’t want to pick up a girl in your red Camaro unless it has 20s with spinners. Whips are of the utmost importance to the quality of a first impression. Ice is too, but it’s secondary, yo. So, pick up your date and make sure you know where the place is. If you’re like me and usually find things with your built-in male radar, which does not work, you might look like an idiot circling the same streets until you finally reach the restaurant.

Now where to take her. I know that McDonald’s and Wings are good and have awesome meal deals, but unless she’s your frat brother, she probably won’t appreciate them. So find a destination that doesn’t cost too much, but one that shows you are somewhat of a gentleman. My top suggestion for a casual, yet highly sexually charged date would be Just a Taste. It has small portions, but the two of you can order a bunch and share them.

Behavior inside the restaurant should not consist of you trying to impress your date with false knowledge about what foods and beverages you consume. Girls may usually act like it, but not all of them are stupid. And don’t order anything you can’t pronounce, either. Make small talk, but don’t tell the girl anything that you would reserve only for the perverted ears of your friends. Girls don’t typically love to hear about the best threesome you ever had. Don’t order dishes with the following foods: onion, peppers, garlic, curry, feta cheese or hummus. They make your breath smell gross! And no, if both of you order foods with those things in them, they will not cancel each other out.

Going to the bathroom can also be a tricky ordeal. If you decide to take an extended trip, your date may not want to make out with you later. Also, water on your pants from a hard turn of the faucet can easily make you look like you have little control over your bladder and/or shaking skills. And never lean against the sink counter when you wash your hands because that always leads to a hidden reservoir of embarrassment and a huge line of water across your crotch. But I hope that doesn’t happen to you, my friend. Just maintain your composure and keep your pants dry.

Archived article by Jon Rich