April 24, 2008

Presidential Stupid-Off

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With it now clear that Barack Obama will be the Democratic nominee in this year’s general election, what remains of Democrat primary season is no longer a runoff, but rather, a stupid-off. That’s right, a stupid-off, and it all began in a rather bland way right after the highly emotional victories that Hillary pulled out in Ohio and Texas.
In what seems like decades ago in this all too long primary season, the stage was set back for Senator Obama to seal the nomination in dramatic fashion. With Hillary trailing by almost 100 delegates, Bill Clinton had even come out on record and said that if Hillary were to lose either Ohio or Texas, her bid would be over. And so, on that fateful March 5th night, millions of Americans were glued to their television sets to watch the coronation of the next great American leader.
But then, something crazy happened, Hillary won both! In front of a few thousand loyal supporters that night Clinton triumphantly chanted “Yes, We Will!” during a victory speech that breathed new life in to her left-for-dead campaign. “On to Pennsylvania!” was the battle cry as Clinton looked ahead to the next big state, one which would hold its primary on April 22nd and one where Clinton was, and still is, heavily favored to win.
What’s happened since then, however, has been quite different. Although Clinton did win those two states, she did not win them by nearly as much as she needed. In the week after the wins, news agencies were already coming out with statistics that showed what Clinton would really need in order to win- basically, a miracle.
So Clinton now hangs on and hopes for a miracle. According to the Associated Press she is down by 136 delegates- that’s a lot to make up with only 494 (pledged delegates) remaining and more and more superdelegates turning for Obama every day (it’s happened at a rate of one per day since Super Tuesday).
Instead of getting a miracle though, Clinton’s got herself a stupid-off- a contest in which I guess the idea is to see which candidate, or supporter, can say the stupidest thing. Once that happens, the rules dictate, media outlets and the opposing campaign must jump on the blunder and shove it down the voters’ throats until near asphyxiation. So today, I at “In Pursuit of Fools Gold” will analyze the results of this stupid-off and declare a winner. (Point system is completely arbitrary)
The winner of this contest will thus be the one clearly more able to lead our country and, if you live in Pennsylvania, Guam, Indiana, North Carolina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Oregon, Puerto Rico, Montana, South Dakota or have a vote as a Superdelegate, you should surely vote for him or her. So, let’s go to the videotape:

CHANGE YOU CAN XEROX– The festivities got started a bit early on this one as Obama was charged of stupidly plagiarizing lines once used by Governor Deval Patrick of Massachusetts. Obama’s controversial February talk included remarks quite similar to those used by Patrick when responding to the notion that his candidacy was just about words. Clinton responded to this incident by saying that the Obama candidacy was not about “Change you Can Believe in” but “Change you Can Xerox.” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHkcyxIqpvk The line tanked so bad she got booed when using it in a debate. That said, Obama should have known better than to use the line and Clinton, sans the corny line, really nailed him on this one. SCORE: CLINTON 3, OBAMA 1
HILLMONSTER– Obama advisor Samantha Power tells “The Scotsman” what she really thinks of Hillary: “She is a monster, too – that is off the record – she is stooping to anything… You just look at her and think, ‘Ergh.’” Okay Samantha, you do remember you’re speaking on behalf of a campaign built by speeches against those types of comments. And, by the way, next time you speak please remember this cardinal rule of journalism-you must say “off the record” before making nasty comments and not after. Otherwise, those comments are fair game to be published- and they were! Score: CLINTON 8, OBAMA 1
FERRARO THE RACIST– Former VP candidate Geraldine Ferraro from New York’s legendary 9th district (See: Chuck Schumer, Anthony Weiner) says that if Obama were to be a white man, he would not be in the position he is currently in. Statement made on March 7th, resignation March 12th . CLINTON 8, OBAMA 4
REVEREND WRIGHT V. SNIPERGATE– Hillary claims to have been shot at by snipers on a trip to the Balkans while networks uncover her being welcomed by a little Bosnian girl and a bouquet of flowers. This big lie and comes at just the right time for Barack as he’s been pounded for a few days by the coverage of Reverend Wright’s “God Damn America” tirades. http://youtube.com/watch?v=hZ38N8OUg3Q Once the comments come to light, the networks go bonkers trying to fit in as much Snipergate and Wrightgate punditry as possible. Wolf Blitzer contemplates retirement due to excitement! CLINTON 11, OBAMA 10.5
JUDAS! Clinton aide James Carville calls defecting Superdelegate and onetime Clinton cabineteer Bill Richardson “Judas.” In his defense, Carville says “Mr. Richardson’s endorsement came right around the anniversary of the day when Judas sold out for 30 pieces of silver, so I think the timing is appropriate.” Bill Richardson’s response? Growing a beard! OBAMA 12, CLINTON 11, RICHARDSON -2
BITTER LATE THEN NEVER– Obama cites working class bitterness as the reason why they “cling” to guns and religion. The comment was supposed to explain why the working class votes on those issues as opposed to economic ones where they feel they can’t change anything. But, in a stupid-off, that is unacceptable and Barack should have known better. Now he is an elitist. As for the working class? They go to the polls and show Obama who’s boss in PA- them. CLINTON 14, OBAMA 13
THE GREAT DEBATE! Or not so great. This April 13th circus was pretty much a recap of the stupid-off. Thanks for stealing my thunder ABC! Then again who needs real issues anyways? Bitter is better! CLINTON 15, OBAMA 14

Winner: Clinton!

Whew! That was intense! Thanks goodness Hillary won PA Tuesday; I was afraid this adventure was going to come to an end. Thankfully now, we’ll be able to continue in this tremendous fun for another few months. Three cheers for Democracy and its unwanted bastard child- trashy television news coverage!