September 11, 2008

I Know You Missed Me, But I Did Not Miss Your Leggings

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So if we were having this conversation in person, right now I’d probably be saying “O.M.G.! How was your summer? And where did you get those wonderful gladiator sandals?” or “O.M.G., WHO ARE YOU? I love that school bag! It has no hint of Vera in it, you must be a freshman!” Alas, the reality is that in my absence from campus, you could very well be carrying a Vera Bradley bag, or even worse, wearing your Uggs to spite me.
So now that you know what I’d say if we ran into each other on Ho Plaza, let me introduce myself (or re-introduce) myself to all of the Cornell community. I’m Martin Ambrose. Sometimes I like to think of myself as your wardrobe life coach, because let’s be honest, I spend most of my time criticizing you (and giving pointers!) rather than talking about the rare hand knit sweaters made by Thom Browne or how Carolina Herrera continues to make amazing gowns year after year without having a large commercial presence.
I’m sure that rumors about my disappearance must be out of control by now. I’d like to go on the record and say “No I didn’t check into rehab — I will be back to table dancing at J.O.’s before you know it.” I mean, I’m all about getting in on a good trend, but I lost any desire to jump on the anti-wagon after Lindsay got escorted back for round 75 and people like Kirsten Dunst and David Duchovny started checking in for “reasons unrelated to substance abuse.”
So now that we’ve gotten that out of the way (see how I still left my absence open to further speculation? Excellent!), let’s make life easier and start off by recapping last year’s key issues. Really, some weeks my photographer needed four Starbucks Grandes an hour while we ran around trying to catch all of the mistakes!
Leggings: One of last year’s most upsetting articles was the fact that leggings aren’t universal, and that the ability to wear them properly is gift that a rare few possess. These articles of clothing should not be worn as pants unless you have amazing legs. Sadly, leggings weren’t made for the average American, which was apparent on some freshmen girls last Slope Day. Side note: Even if you have the body for leggings, they should not be worn from class in the morning to the gym in the afternoon to lunch after that and then out that very night. A little variety (as well as hygiene) is key.
Vera Bradley: This crazy old lady is a master manipulator. Her prints are horrible enough to make anyone ill, but her (relatively) inexpensive pricing and durability often leads you to make horrible and irrational decisions. So here I am, verbally slapping you across the face yet again so that you don’t purchase anymore merchandise that would otherwise be regifted. Instead, please opt for a more unique school bag or even a LeSportSac (forget “even”: some LeSportSac’s are pretty amazing).
Sunglasses: Let’s remember sunglasses aren’t the same statement they used to be. Sunglasses are always important, but not when they are as loud or as obnoxious as they have been in previous years. Dior bug sunglasses that have multiple colors and look like they are ski goggles aren’t okay unless you are en route to a themed frat party. Although large aviators will never be taboo in my book, the big Nicole Richie sunglasses are kind of over and have been for a while. Also, the D & Gs with the HUGE lettering on the side are only a poor reflection on you, and a tribute to how such a brand has the power to make you pay so much money to look like an Arse. Yes, I said it, arse. That was kind of fun. Arse.
Uggs: Ugly and completely not functional in an area like Ithaca. They have no traction and no matter what color, aren’t cute at all.
Sweats: Keep them to a minimum. Also, all sweats worn out and dragging: toss ’em. Don’t even bother donating them; I doubt anyone would appreciate it. (Yes that sounds horrible, but it is probably true.)
Bags: No XO bags, no random boxes on an awful threaded chain, let’s do simple and maybe if the price is right, leather! (Not a bad request, right?)
So please, keep wearing your gladiator flip flops, learn from last year and get pumped for leather bomber jacket weather. Love ya, mean it!

Martin Ambrose is a senior in the College of Hotel Administration. He may be in hiding, but his opinions on your fasion choices will still appear alternate Thursdays.