February 1, 2010

Life Unexpected

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Good morning everyone, this is ME coming to YOU to talk about Life Unexpected, the show that I am fully anticipating to be totally ridiculous. But I will give this recap a go and keep an open mind. Creak! (Releasing of air)… Hear that … mind opening. It’s a bit rusty.

This new contribution to the burgeoning genre about teenage pregnancy concerns young foster system failure, Lux. We first meet while she’s being creeped all over by a little boy. Uggh disgusting. Also disgusting, creepy foster moms who don’t care that their little boys are growing up to be sex-offenders.

So Lux’s sad state is matched set against the “high-flying” radio career of her mother, Shiri Appleby, and the sweet bar owning, day sleeping, and girlfriend banging life of her papa.

Mama is one of these new-type ladies, that don’t want babies and believe in having careers. So … bitches. Oh wait, except she’s dating her male co-host. Also, instead of actually demonstrating a viable counter-point the baby-crazy female archetype, the show’s thrown us just another stereotype, the crazy bitter bitch. She doesn’t want kids, but she wants independence and a career! But don’t worry conventionals, it’s just because she’s a crazy bitch. Awesome. Papa bear is a kind of fuzzy, disheveled ne’er do well, who has never amounted to anything, but seems to have a pretty good time.

Lux is seeking them, starting with Nathanial Basel (seriously?), the aforementioned sperm. Lux needs his signature to get emancipated from the creepster family. Coincidentally, no one actually signed some release of rights form thingy. She manages to guilt-trip “Base” into signing a form and giving her the name of her mommy, Kate. WOAH! Mom just happens to be the radio host that Lux tunes into every morning. What another wacky narrative leap.

Somewhat amusingly, Base’s token fatty awkward friend was totes in love with Kate and high school, and nicely fleshes out the sordid history of these wayward parents. Kate had a 4.0! She was perfect. Nate was gross and mad ghetto. She never would have slept with him! But she did. Although telling fatty awkward friend that “his type” was anyone whom he didn’t accidentally eat! Being mean to the chubbies is always funny, hmm, except perhaps if you’re writing a show about young people and self-esteem and love and shit.

While Base’s life is going down the tubes slowly as he explains the Lux situation to his girlfriend, Kate’s life is going pretty well. The gay guy from Dawson’s is proposing to her. She says yes after some freaking out, as crazy bitches are wont to do. Way to go fools! Too bad, Mr. Basel is about to get in touch: “We kind of did it that time.” Profound.

Also profound. Lux and Dad bonding over that YouTube video of the Australian couple reuniting with their lion from 1901. I’m not going to lie, that shit makes me cry too. But this whole YouTube bonding session felt like some old person was like, what do those youths like? Are they still bopping in the malt shops? Oh wait, what about YouTube!

At any rate, they decide that if those people can find their lion, they can find “their Kate.” Vomit. So naturally, they decide to call her show, instead of waiting for her in the goddamn lobby, so we can have her fiancé find out about the baby in the most awkward way possible.

To top it off, we find out that Lux was never adopted because she had a heart condition. By the time it was fixed up, she was too old, and nobody wants a stupid three-year-old. So Kate takes her to the emancipation hearing, but not before she nearly kills them both, running a red light. That bit must only serve to highlight the overwhelmingly obvious fact that Kate and Nate are douche bag juveniles, and Lux is the poor, hardened kid who grew up too fast and has had a horrible life. It’s a shocking lack of subtlety, even for the CDubbs.

BAHAHAHAHA Kate and Ryan, her sad fiancé, are broadcasting from, and I kid you not, a singles Booze Cruise. Ok, I go to college; I have been in a sorority. I am familiar with the booze cruise. But again, I am in college, and have been in a sorority. If fools I know when I’m 32 are pulling that shit I am going to laugh in their faces. Watch: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA you’re kidding.

In an effort to create drama, Kate breaks up with Ryan outside of the booze cruise (hahahaha). She doesn’t want to talk to him, because she is a crazy bitch. Apparently getting knocked up at 15 officially makes you unlucky in love forever. Makes sense (?).

So Kate and Nate show up at the emancipation hearing to discover that some crazy ass Judge, who is somehow unfamiliar with the horrors of foster care, considers them to be legit. Hey, you own a business? Here’s a kid! Crazy judge awards custody of Lux to the two of them! Snap nuclear family! Shock and awe, Lux does not want to party with the man/lady/children. She runs off leaving Nate and Kate feeling super guilty. So what do a couple of adults do when they find out that (1) they have custody of a child (2) one of them was a virgin (3) they’ve lost the child (4) anyone can be lured anywhere with “Zima” (5) both of you have significant others? Why you get drunk and have sex, of course! That is just the thing to do.

Like a class act, Kate runs out in the morning only to trip over her offspring, who’s slumbering on the sidewalk, like a bum because her foster creep threw her out. Then, as we all expected, Kate takes sad Lux home so she can have a nice fake family. She “just wants to act like an adult,” someone who is worthy of Ryan and Lux! CUTE, oh except she banged that dude yesterday. Nonetheless, Kate and Ryan are on the marriage train again, and they throw a BDay party for Lux, with everyone, plus that dude she banged yesterday. Nice. Cuteness overload, sad adoptee has parents and presents and little party hats!

Look, this show was cute. The people are nice to look at. The writing could be worse (?). What I really didn’t love was the inference that there has to be something wrong with Kate because she’s uncomfortable with getting married, and babies, and being a “normal girl.” You’d think that in a show about a young girl who’s had a really unconventional childhood would have a bit more tact in treating the stereotypes that all young women grapple with. You shouldn’t have to be a bitch to reject conventional girlhood (boyfriends and babies). Kate didn’t rise about the archetype; she lived it out in every detail. However, this show could improve, and Lux is a nice character and it is sometimes surprisingly clever. Perhaps it will grow on us.

Cheers, CDubbs!

Original Author: Rabia Muqaddam