April 21, 2010

Let Me Give You My Card

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When people ask when I lost my virginity I always get confused. I consider losing your virginity when you finish inside a girl for the first time, but a lot of people tell me that it’s upon penetration. So basically, I lost my virginity somewhere within those five minutes …

Looking back, losing my virginity wasn’t a big deal. I actually probably did more in that random fuck than most others to follow. I wanted to try it missionary, from behind, legs up, etc. I wanted to watch in the mirror and while I didn’t know exactly what I was doing, there was a condom on my dick and I found the right hole for the moment: basically I passed the practical exam. I didn’t take the oral that day though.

But hey — Jess has said enough about giving it up. If you’re ready to do it, do it. Odds are the person you pick to be your first is not going to be your last. Even Jessica Simpson got that one wrong (And she is super smart! What are the rest of us lame-brains to do?). Maybe your first will be some girl you haven’t talked to since Bush’s first term, or has become such.

So if I’m not here to talk about losing that V-card, what’s left to jab on about? I’m sure you’re not looking to collect ‘em all, but every once in a while you might find yourself about to snatch yourself a V-card. Apart from being a good way to not Ash Kethcum some STD’s (obvi still use protection), there’s a little more you should probably know before you poké your balls into a girl for her first time. I’d also like to inform you that I spared you from about four iterations of a Squirtle pun, so use this line break as a chance to insert your own.

It’s a delicate situation knowing you’re the first. Sometimes you might not know until it’s too late. You’re lying there, looking at yourself in the mirror (“Hey man!”) as things start moving along a little faster and all of a sudden … Hymen! That didn’t translate as well as I hoped.

Regardless of what you read in a sex column or in a magazine or whatever you and your friends have talked about, whatever preparations you have had made for that time that you just happened to bring home a virgin, your first thought will be surprise, then shock, then probably fear. Do you want this responsibility? Maybe losing your virginity didn’t mean anything to you, but does it mean something for her? Do you want to be the first impression (and let me mount the pressure even further … maybe the last impression) she has about sex? Do you think you can get over your selfishness of just “getting that nut” to make sure this feels like more than a vaginal root canal? And all of these questions are swirling around in your head as your fingers are swirling around inside of her.

Well, at least part of the question can be answered for you. If she says she wants to, now the question is whether you want to. If you can’t answer the questions above with a semblance of respect or thought for the other person, you should probably graciously leave that condom in your wallet for the next one. You’re not getting any EXP points, and you’re not going to evolve into the dreaded Charizard Sex Monster from this either, but you can open someone’s eyes to the pleasures of sex. Or you can ruin sex for them, break their heart and be a dick about all of it. Literally, just a dick that is figuratively just a huge dick.

That being said, from what I have heard (I still have my hymen), sex for girls on their first time isn’t exactly what it is for us (“Awesome! Dude it was so awesome! I lasted for so long! And it was awesome!”). That being said, (awesome) if this is going to happen you’re going to have to be a gentleman about it. Which means niiiceeee aandddd sllloowwwww … Maybe take the technique I had a certain senior incessantly describe to me walking from Collegetown to the Statler — stimulate the clitoris and eat the girl out first, in turn of course, getting her extremely wet … and then he described to me some sort of transverse motion he uses. Needless to say, an uncomfortable conversation, but at least he’s thinking about how to make this easier and more comfortable for the girl he is with. The more nervous she is, the more tense she is going to be and the more painful it is going to be, so you need to be doing everything in your power to keep her relaxed and make sure she is comfortable. Since she’s choosing to lose it to you, there should already be some comfort in that, but talk to her and ask her if she is alright. Let her know that she should let you know what she likes and doesn’t like. Good communication in the bedroom starts with a good foundation of what sex should be like: A mutual discussion that expresses wants and dislikes. And you know what, as much as it probably pains you to hear this (it will probably pain her more if you don’t), this sex shouldn’t end when you do. Let her know to stop you when it is painful or she is sore. Let her know that this is natural. And when she tells you, stop. If you must get off, there’s more than one way to skin a cat and this way you’ll also make sure her pussy isn’t raw (how do I get the snare drum to cymbal joke-indicator sound in a column? Skin a cat —> raw pussy. Pulitzer Prize Board, get in touch …).

Obviously there are a lot of things I didn’t mention. I’m not advocating guys to go out and take girl’s virginities. Far from it. But if a girl makes the conscious decision, after thinking it through, that she wants a guy to take her V-card, and the guy acquiesces, then they should be doing so with the mentality that this will be more about their partner’s experience than it is about their own. Stick to sticking-it to the girl who texts you at 2 a.m. on Tuesday nights if you’re looking for the no-frills lay that you’re both looking for. There’s nothing to be ashamed about taking a girl’s virginity. It is not something, however, to be asinine about (you smart Cornell kids should know what that means).

Girls, if you’re ready to give it up, make sure your partner’s someone who’s mature enough to not just rip it away. Ash Ketchum is only 10 years old in Pokémon but he loved that damn Pikachu. She’s bound to be (Bulba)saur afterwards, but try and make sure it’s something she doesn’t regret …

Jeff K. is a senior in the College of Engineering. He may be reached, for sexual encounters or otherwise, at [email protected]. Come Inside appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Original Author: Jeff K.