September 15, 2011

The Real Douchiest College in America

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For those of you who do not know, GQ Magazine has named Cornell University the douchiest college in the United States. And as expected, the reaction within the Big Red community has been mixed. Sane Cornellians have taken it as a simple joke. Prudent Cornellians are just glad their school is getting some national attention. Meanwhile, Cornellians who need to chill have seen it as an offense. I, on the other hand, realized GQ’s quest in the search for ultimate douchebaggery in higher education is not over. So let us celebrate being this year’s douchiest campus in America by going one step further. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the “crème de la crème”: the douchiest colleges within Cornell.7. College of Architecture, Art and Planning: If you are glad we were ranked first, do not thank AAP. It is their fault we almost lost to that state school in University Park. I mean, AAPs are the anti-douches. Even though many of them are enrolled in the nation’s top program, they never brag about it. In fact, most of them do not even talk (or sleep). Many work tirelessly inside an old building that looks like an 18th century abandoned factory — which ironically harms the aesthetics of our douchy campus. Additionally, they are victims of our douchy tradition. Each year AAPs are forced like slaves to sacrifice capital, time and other valuable inputs in order to create a parade, not for them, but for the entertainment of others. In fact, the only thing that AAPs enjoyed about Dragon Day was the opportunity to burn the beast — a symbol of tyranny — that tortured them for most of the semester. However, as soon as the Fire Department found out about the motives behind this practice, it was outlawed.6. College of Human Ecology: Throughout my three years at Cornell, I have only met one person from HumEc. But sometimes, one is more than enough. During my freshman year, I hosted a pre-frosh whose friend was hosted by a PAM major. I remember like yesterday the dinner the four of us had at RPCC. I easily recall this event because the HumEc guy was the douchiest and most annoying guy you will ever meet. Such was the case that his guest asked me if he could sleep in my room that night — I had the moral duty to accede. Although I do not know anyone else from HumEc, I am going to assume that all the other HumEcs are less douchy than this guy. Why? Because I really do not want to live with the idea that there are more people like him in this world. It disturbs me.5. College of Engineering: It is common knowledge around campus that Engineers have the toughest course-load. Why? Because they never stop rubbing it in on our faces. Whether it is a top-tier sorority girl — if there actually is one — or a socially awkward Applied Engineering Physics major, the truth is that most Engineers believe they are inherently superior to other Cornellians. Most of us would really love to be engineers, but we have figured out that a social life in college is easier than studying continuum physics and cloud computing. I guess we know all of you are better than the rest of us, but please, you just do not have to remind us all the time. (Note: This description does not apply to Operations Research majors; they are not really engineers.)4. School of Industrial and Labor Relations: A handful of ILR students want to work for NGOs or other hands-on organizations towards the improvement of society. However, most of them want to be either lawyers or politicians. Which means they just care about two things: money and power. You know when people say, “I have faith in our future generation?” Well, I do not. It is sad to see today’s politicians having trouble reaching a compromise regarding our nation’s economic future. But it is even sadder to watch the ILRies in the Student Assembly failing to achieve an agreement on whether to phase out bottled water sales.3. College of Arts and Sciences: In the Arts College, we find the traditional Ivy League douches. On the one hand, you got the Yale-ish preppy with 33 credits — 12 academic and 21 in Greek life. On the other hand, there is the Brown-ish hipster who wears Urban Outfitters clothes and smokes a pipe under a tree in the Arts Quad while reading Friedrich Nietzsche. In spite of their differences, both groups share the same destiny outside the bubble we like to call Cornell: misery. Nobody in the real world cares if you were Alpha Phi’s Ivy Man or the president of the Vegan Club. They just care that you are a linguistics and religious studies double major and you have no real utility for society.2. College of Agriculture and Life Sciences (or should I say, The Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management): I am really sorry for the agriculture and science majors, but this ranking is based on a college’s douchiness as a whole. The distribution of douchiness in CALS is extremely skewed to the right thanks to the greedy, cynical and pretentious AEMers. Some colleges at Cornell are douchy because they think they own the University. AEMers, on the other hand, just belong to a major and they think they own the world. But you know what? They do not. AEMers always dream of landing that 30K signing bonus on Wall Street. But at the end of the day, executives hire anyone except business majors because they know anybody can do Accounting, Finance and Marketing without being such “assholes” (shoutout to Tony Manfred!).1. School of Hotel Administration: The Hotel School is so douchy that it has its own restaurant, ATM and professor who yells at students who yawn overly loudly. But nothing makes a group of persons douchier than being extremely pretentious. Hotelies boast 10 times more than AAPs about their program’s prestige even though their school has 10 times less competition. Oh, you busted your ass to get an “A” in Culinary? Great! Then shut up and cook me something. However, we all know Hotelies are really a joke when many claim their hardest course is about wines. How can it be that difficult to be enrolled in a pass/fail course that is really just an excuse to get drunk? Give me a break.    Some of you might think that I’m the douchiest person at Cornell for writing this, but that would just make you douchier than I am.

Abdiel Ortiz-Carrasquillo is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He may be reached at [email protected]. I Respectfully Dissent appears alternate Fridays this semester.

Original Author: AJ Ortiz