September 13, 2012

Seance With the Founders: Any Person, Any Investment Bank

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This week, many students roamed campus dressed in their business casual best, trying to impress future employers at the career fair. Despite their snazzy outfits, many still seemed distressed and exhausted. The Sun sat down with Cornell’s legendary founders Ezra Cornell and A.D. White to try and solve this troubling dilemma.

The Sun: Hey A.D. and Ezra.

Ezra Cornell: Oh hey, lowly Sun reporter. Sorry if I seem groggy. I just can’t get any sleep anymore with all you students keeping up at night by blasting “Call Me Maybe” from your Collegetown porches.

Sun: Sorry about that. It’s been a bit of an issue lately. Council members have been trying to find solutions but no one really knows what to do about it. Any ideas?

Ezra: Yes, actually. When I founded Cornell, we used to put unruly Cornellians in stocks in the center of the Arts Quad. If they continued to be obnoxious, we tied them to a tree and left them for the bears. Touchdown was pretty ravenous in his heyday.

A.D.: Yeah, Touchdown has really let himself go these days. Now all he does is walk around campus high-fiving unsuspecting freshmen and skating around the ice during hockey games looking like a fool.

Sun: Well, one of the solutions to this problem that has been proposed is moving drinking to a place in the Ivy Room called the Bear’s Den.

Ezra: Hell yeah! That’s exactly what I am talking about. A den full of bears! Genius! Why didn’t we think of that A.D.? No Cornellian will ever embibe alcohol ever again!

A.D.: Sorry to burst your bubble, Ezra. The Bear’s Den is a pub, which means that it serves beer.

Ezra: Gah. What a joke.

Sun: Speaking of a joke, how about those calendar changes?

Ezra: Yawn. You aren’t doing a good job of keeping me awake here. Next question.

A.D.: Whoa, Ezra. No need to be so grumpy. These are important changes. Though in my day, we didn’t have so many breaks at all. The only breaks we got were when the snow piled up so high we couldn’t get out the door. Fall break?! Nonsense.

Ezra: Yeah, but look at all these Cornellians walking around like zombies. They need their time off.

A.D.: They weren’t just like zombies. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen actual zombies walking around campus. It tripped me out. I thought we were the only undead that roamed this campus

Ezra: Oh, silly A.D., those aren’t the undead. Those are just Cornell students on the way to the career fair. It happens every year. Hoards of Cornell students mindlessly wandering up to campus to try to nail an investment banking position.

A.D.: … where they can continue their zombie lifestyle by eating the brains of middle-class Americans.  I knew that’s what you had in mind when you founded Cornell, Ezra. Any person, any investment bank.