By DAVID WECHSLER
Dear Freshmen Girls,
Look, I get it; we aren’t 6’4. We don’t play Division 1 lacrosse or hockey, and now that we’re in college no one is going to be intimidated by us. And yes, while the athletes are waking up early for practice or morning lifts, we are slowly recovering from a Netflix marathon the night before. But come on, we were athletes, too, once upon a time.
However hard it may be to believe, a 5’11 Jewish kid actually could start for his high school basketball team in the ultra-competitive NYC Private School league. And as I’m sure we’ve told you, we all totally could have played our respective sport at the D3 level, but who wants to do that? Plus, everyone knows that the D1 club is just as competitive. Wait, you want to know why we aren’t on the club team here either? Well, if you must know the tryout was on a Saturday morning during O-week and lets be real, that wasn’t happening. But don’t worry; we would have easily made it. Either way, that walk from North to Collegetown will keep us in shape all semester. No? You like guys with abs? Well, I guess they don’t call it Newman Nation for nothing. Next time you’re killing the elliptical game, take a peek through the glass and check out who’s draining 3’s down below.
Finally, and I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m pretty sure the majority of you dated athletes in high school. Well, we’re in college now … time to diversify, right? Hooking up with the top soccer recruit is so cliché anyway. You really want to impress your friends from home? Go and find that guy who has retired himself from competitive sports. Since we don’t have any stupid obligations like practice, we’re always looking to go into Collegetown and do what freshmen do best (wander semi-aimlessly until we end the night at CTB).
So, in summary, I’m here to remind you that if you don’t get that personal invite to the hockey house on Saturday night, it’s not the end of the world. In fact, consider it a blessing, because without a doubt you will find a bunch of ex-athletes down the hall taking shots, playing FIFA and just waiting for you to come in so they can tell you all about how much they “killed it” in high school.
Signed,
Every semi-athletic Jewish kid trying to make a name for himself