September 24, 2014

SEX ON THURSDAYS: Please Don’t Put That There

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I’m not sure if this is a fad or if I’m just now realizing it, but it seems like guys are asking for “butt stuff” more than ever before. I don’t mean asking me in particular, but I see jokes about it on the Internet, on Tinder (lol) and I hear about it from my friends. I’ve had a few unpleasant experiences with anal sex, all of which have left me wondering why any woman with a functioning vagina would let someone put anything in their butthole unless they truly enjoy it. I’m also about to detail those unpleasant experiences … so save this column for later if you’re eating.

The first time I ever heard of anal sex I was an innocent virginal high school student. One of my best friends, who had recently lost her virginity, told me that every time she had sex with her boyfriend it was really painful. Horrified, I asked for more details, because I thought it was only supposed to hurt the first time. Her explanation was “oh, he only likes to do anal.” I had no idea if this was normal or not, but I couldn’t help but wonder why she would participate in sex that was only enjoyable to one person. Now that I have more experience, I definitely think that she could have made better sexual choices.

My own butthole (wow, I’m getting personal with you guys) remained a virgin long after I lost my vaginal virginity. However, one drunken night, a guy I was sleeping with at the time decided to lube himself up without me noticing and put himself in the forbidden hole. My first reaction was silence as I was a little curious about how it would feel. About seven seconds later all I could get out was “ow” and he quickly pulled out and apologized. It didn’t feel good. Skip this sentence if you are under the impression that females don’t defecate, but it really just felt like I had to poop. It was painful and I tried to calculate the last time I had gone number two … what if there were leftovers in there!? I made him change the condom if he wanted to finish vaginally — I don’t need that kind of bacteria in my lady parts. Almost a year later, I overheard a guy telling a story that actually confirmed my poopy fears: He said he put it in and when he pulled it out it was covered in, well … you know.

My second unpleasant experience with the back entrance occurred with a random hookup that I willingly never spoke to or responded to again, and made me very grateful that the first anal adventurer had had the decency to use lube. We were drunk (classic Ruth, I know) and he slipped out and re-entered the wrong hole. I think I shouted “what are you doing!? Get that out of there!” and he listened, but it was too late. When I woke up the next morning there were bloodstains on his sheets. I covered them with his discarded clothes and snuck out of there as he slept, never to return again.

After these experiences and the stories I have heard from others I have vowed to never let anyone put himself inside my butt ever again. Even if a guy slips out during sex and is directed in that area I make sure he’s not even thinking about it. I genuinely don’t enjoy it, and I have not met a girl who does. Maybe those girls exist, but my question is why a guy would enjoy something that the girl clearly does not? Isn’t the fun and joy of sex mutual satisfaction? I would definitely not enjoy myself during sex if the guy was not enjoying himself, and I’m curious if that feeling goes both ways. If a guy wants to be considered good in bed by a girl, his primary goal should be to make her feel good. I know that you can get off via vagina. No need to head south.

Ruth M. is a senior in the College of Industrial and Labor Relations. She can be reached at [email protected]. I’m Just Gonna Shake It appears alternate Thursdays this semester.