October 1, 2015

SEX ON THURSDAYS | ‘Tell Me What You Want (What You Really, Really Want)’

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Hey there. We haven’t met before, but I’m “Jackie Oohhhh,” and I’m new to this section. I’ve been reading these columns since my days as a naive freshman trying to navigate a college love life while living in a forced triple.

I feel that it is only fair that I start this off with one clear disclaimer: I have been in a committed relationship for the better part of my Cornell career, meaning that I do not have any amusing stories about giving head in the Olin basement on Slope Day, or a ranking all of the people I’ve slept with in a given frat. I sometimes live vicariously through the raunchy tales told in this feature of one-night stands after a few Long Islands (the drinks at Dunbar’s or the bagels at CTB — really either could get me going), the awkward Tinder exchanges, the occasional same-sex experimentation or TA hookups.

Luckily, my boyfriend and I — let’s call him “Chuck” after my middle school virgin Gossip Girl fantasies — have been #blessed with a pretty great sex life. Still, a friend will ask me every so often, in a sorrowful tone, if things with Chuck get boring in the bedroom after all this time. The absolutely true answer is that the sex is better than ever.

I could attribute my sexual satisfaction to many things — overall level of comfort, experimentation with new positions, exciting locations around campus, etc. — but the true hero here is completely open communication and a thorough grasp of each other’s physical desires. By being able to fully express our own sexual wishes and understand exactly what the other partner wants in the sheets, Chuck and I can ensure that we are both always taken care of to our liking. However, getting to the point where we both now know each other’s bodies and likes and dislikes took time and a lot of conversation.

Sure, some fortunate women are always confident enough to direct their lover to the right spots the first time. Unfortunately, however, some people (myself included), take a little bit more time to get to a place with their companion where they can clearly express their wants and needs. But no woman should have to sit through a round of fingering that feels like a boxing match, or pretend to orgasm after a sleep-inducing round of someone going down on her. Identify what you want from your partner and don’t be afraid to ask for it.

The best — though not always easiest — way to do this is verbally. During foreplay, whisper in his/her ear, “You know I really love when you ___.” If he’s already in the right vicinity, it could be as easy as, “Ohhhh yeah I like that” or “Mmm just like that.” A simple, “Yes! Right there!” or “Faster!” doesn’t hurt either. Say whatever it takes to ultimately get the pleasure and end result that you’re looking for. Reminding a partner while they’re fingering you to give Miss C some love instead of just hammering into the V may feel awkward and demanding, but remember that your partner is there in the first place because they want to sexually please you.

If speaking during sex isn’t your forte, some gentle steering can often do the trick just as well, if not better. I’m not talking about the move where you’re making out with a guy and he grabs your head and attempts to shove it down there to blow him, because that’s gross and desperate. No, I’m just referring to a slight adjustment for when he’s already in position. He thinks he’s really getting you going while fingering you, but is actually just hitting your thigh? Grasp his hand and slowly guide it to make sure he’s hitting the right sweet spot. Guy feeling you up like he’s milking udders instead of handling the twins? Take his hands under yours and show him how it’s done.

If, for some reason, he takes it the wrong way that you’re a girl who knows what you want, he’s a selfish fuckboy and you deserve much better. But, assuming he’s a decent human being who cares about your needs and desires, follow these steps and you’ll be on your way to a mutually perceptive relationship like the one Chuck and I have been polishing for years.

Jackie Ohhhhhh is a junior at Cornell. Comments may be sent to [email protected]. Guest Room appears periodically this semester.