Courtesy of Happy Dave

A new conveyor belt in Oakenshields delivers food directly to students' mouths.

April 19, 2023

Attention Lazy Fucks: Cornell Opens Walk-Thru Dining Hall

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No matter if you’re an Engineer or an ILRie, a freshman or a junior, or whatever your career aspirations may be, Cornellians remain united by their ability to work hard now to get what is wanted now and into the future. Because of this, it is no surprise that many students load up on extracurricular activities, social groups and classes to fill their schedules and maximize the most they can get out of their time at Cornell. However, one thing is certain for every student alike — everyone must eat. 

As students turn on their devices and open their notebooks for the umpteenth time of the day to study, it is all too common to be too busy and occupied with schoolwork and other activities to grab something to eat and skip meals instead. Especially preceding prelims, assignment due dates and all-nighter review sessions for finals, Cornell’s work-hard-play-hard culture impacts students’ abilities to routinely eat.

Maybe this is because sitting down to eat can take too long, itself be a distraction from studying, or simply be due to a smelly classmate or revolting lecture material putting you off your meal. However, Cornell Dining has listened to the many requests of busy students who need to eat at a greater convenience when in a rush or in between classes without spending BRBs. In response, Cornell Dining will be opening a new dining hall — Cornell’s first walk-through dining hall. 

An extension of Okenshields located in Willard Straight Hall, the purpose of this dining hall is to create a gourmet grab-and-go system of traditional dining hall foods so that students can quickly swipe their meal plan or purchase access to the dining hall. Freshly premade sandwiches, Chinese takeout boxes and pre-mixed salads and grain bowls on a rotating menu are kept warm or chilled for students to pick up while walking through. However, it is important to note that each swipe or entry into the dining hall is limited to one food item. 

Built to never stop the hustle and bustle of Cornell students, this dining hall is cleverly made of multiple food picking lanes and passing lanes to ensure no lines are formed. In fact, Cornell Dining is even considering implementing an airport-style moving carpet to help move Cornellians along to their destination even faster. There will be a drink chute located in the rafters of Willard Straight to distribute Bubbly water and guava juice into moving Cornellians’ cups, ensuring everyone stays hydrated during their busy days. There will also be a food-allergy friendly option located in the lawn outside of Risley Hall, as the prehistoric building cannot accommodate this groundbreaking technology.

VP Lombardi claims that this is the greatest victory for Cornell since his stunning victory over Martha Pollack in Bridge. The new walk-thru technology will be implemented as early as April 20th, in anticipation of Cornell students being too busy to eat due to other activities. ILR students, upset over the potential implications of less hours for Cornell Dining workers, plan to organize a protest at Ho Plaza all day Friday, since none of them have classes that day anyway. We are told it may interfere with the 15 graduate students screaming about their latest misfortunes.

A large group of students are expected to be at the opening ceremony for the new walk-in addition. Although Cornell Dining is heavily stocked with food, they have announced that they will only be serving the undercooked salad bar chicken once they run out of other food. So, get there early. 

Despite the treacherous winter weather and scary Ithaca Walmart, we really are lucky to go to a school with such innovative minds. Where else could you get a Chinese takeout on the move as you rush to fail your math prelim? Where else could you quickly find a salad after being canceled for answering a provocative Big Red Heads question? The new walk-thru Dining Hall is state of the art, and will offer countless benefits to the Cornell student body. 

Hope to see you there!


The dining enthusiasts of iTHaCa