All sex is fun, but not all sex is exciting.
I enjoy all sex: tender and passionate sex; lots of kisses accompanied with a cuddle session at the end is my ideal evening date. However, I have a soft spot for rough play, especially when I am on the submissive end of things.
The energetic dynamism of letting loose and allowing your most primitive and raw impulses take over is one of the most exciting and stimulating experiences of my life. There is nothing that can compare. All social norms and cues are out the door, and the only goal is mutual pleasure.
I cannot remember the first time I felt the impulse to let someone else take control in the bedroom — it just started to happen organically. For reference, I have a smaller frame compared to the average guy and I tend to go for guys who are significantly taller than me. I am talking at least four inches taller, but I melt for guys who tower over me, at least with eight inches.
It all started innocently enough, they would carry me around and throw me — somewhat gently — on the bed, wrestle playfully with me in between kisses, telling me I should “get back down there” or I “won’t get any kisses.” But at some point I started to expect more, and the ordering me around and manhandling became more intense. I started to become more enthusiastic about taking orders.
The boys love it too, I love to see their faces when they first realize I want them to take control — it is almost as if I let them off their chains. All guys start breathing more heavily, they fix their gaze directly onto mine It is so intense that it feels like a rush of adrenaline is pushing right through both of us.
Such a liberating feeling can become addicting. To some extent I am. I have found myself looking for dominating guys in both the bedroom and out of it. I feel like the dynamic just works naturally. It establishes clear roles and expectations for each part of the relationship and maintains a healthy balance. And before you judge me for imposing heteronormative or power dynamics into my relationships, some people want to give up control, and that is okay.
I once heard from a guy that the most submissive people in the bedroom are the ones with the most responsibilities in their daily lives. Controlling every other aspect of your life is exhausting and sometimes our needs give in — sex is the first thing that comes to mind for me.
There needs to be boundaries though. I am not really a fan of the financial domination, which Urban Dictionary describes as a fetish of power exchange which involves the transfer of money from sub to Domme as an act of ultimate submission, as money is the ultimate representation of power in our modern society — no judgment, it is your money — and I rather keep my monetary autonomy. I also like to keep the domination in the bedroom, or at most keep it playful outside. There is no reason why someone should be controlling your personal decisions in a way that would affect your life trajectory.
Some people feel a little adventurous and decide to take the dominant and submissive play out of the bedroom, which can look like them insisting on ordering you on a date in a playful way (I would even think of that as thoughtful). However, roleplay outside of the bedroom should stay that way — playful. The saying you can’t go out with your friends is not kinky anymore, just toxic and I wouldn’t advise you to engage in that.
If you are also a good sub like I am, feel proud. It can be difficult to be the pleasing one. And remember: Even if you like to be bossed around and get a little roughed up you need to remember you are always the prize.
Jack Strap is a student at Cornell University. His fortnightly column Gulp Fiction is a discussion of queer sex life exploration.
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