4/20/20

Cornell Fraternity Ends Racism, Solves World Hunger

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In the global effort to end hunger, an unexpected posse has taken the lead, becoming the first to achieve one of the United Nations’ Sustainable Development Goals. Three young men of the Alpha Sigma Sigma fraternity celebrated late Saturday evening after receiving an email from United Nations secretary general, António Guterres, notifying them of their success. Chad Beauregard ’21, Trey Miller ’20 and Wyatt Brooks ’21, all students in the Dyson School, realized the resources they needed were at their fingertips upon walking into 7/11 and learning that the store was sold out of beer. “Well, at first, we were definitely in shock, it’s kind of hard to play pong without any Natty,” Brooks said. “Then we realized if we built our own brewery, we would have an endless supply of golden nectar,” he continued.

4/20/20

Getting High Before Class Not a Great Idea, Study Finds

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A joint before class? Perhaps not today. Twenty Cornell University researchers and a pound of marijuana recommended against smoking before classes, concluding that “it really harshed my mellow,” said Brad Phillips ’20, the study’s lead researcher. Subjects reported cravings for mozzarella sticks, dry mouth and “contemplative thoughts,” but were not found to have higher academic performances than the control group. “The professor definitely knows, dude,” whispered Kayla Berman ’21 to The Sun.