Opinion

SEX ON THURSDAY | Fornicating on 4/20

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As many readers may know, today marks a sacred holiday for much of the Cornell community: April 20th; devil’s lettuce day; hashish holiday; 4/20. Whether the holiday originates from a group of juvenile delinquents in California, from celebration of the passing of a medical marijuana bill by the senate or a sneaky play on a police code to signal youth marijuana use, it is on this sacred day that those choosing to indulge light up in unison — at 4:20 PM — to celebrate their beloved psychoactive stimulant. It is a beautiful day of togetherness, community and of course, getting as high as a kite when you should be in class. To honor this revered holiday — and for the purposes of this column — I am using today to unpack the multitude of ways weed manifests itself during 4/20 fornication. From the dissociate to the giggler, here are all of the different options you should be prepared for should you choose to get spicy on the 20th of April.

4/20

Cornell Frats to Lower Maximum Rice Purity Scores Amid Rise in Sexual Activities 

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The Cornell Interfraternity Council has recently announced a dramatic change in their application process — in an effort to maintain their reputation of exclusivity, the IFC has voted unanimously to lower the maximum acceptable Rice Purity Test score to 30. Since 2008, it has become standard for fraternities and sororities to administer a “Rice Purity Test” for their new recruits. Comprising a list of 100 activities — from “held hands romantically” to “engaged in bestiality” — the Rice Purity Test was originally meant to be used for research purposes at Rice University. However, in more recent years, it has become the go-to measure for finding out if potential pledges are cool or not. 

According to a manufactured data set, the average acceptance score at Cornell fraternities was approximately 50/100 in previous years. But due to the rise of apps such as Tinder, Grindr and Gradescope, students claim it has never been easier to get fucked.

4/20

LETTER TO THE EDITOR | Let’s Write a Guest Column, Bro

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Frankly, I find it ridiculous that The Sun’s opinion section keeps refusing to publish my guest articles. I have, like, some good ideas. I’m thinking about stuff that no one’s willing to talk about. Like, what about “GUEST ROOM | Gay Son or Thot Daughter?” sounds so unpublishable? My boys and I get frosted and talk about stuff like that all the time. It’s stuff people actually want to read about. Like, it’s lowkey a hard question right? 

4/20

LETTER TO THE EDITOR | Lab 420

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Every day I seem to crave the euphoric feeling that only marijuana can provide. I can feel the boundaries of myself dissipate, as I become one with the world — I don’t know where I begin or where I end…I inhale and exhale. I start to receive glances as people crane their necks to see who’s blazing up on the slope. Well, that stoner is me and this is my story. 

4/20

LETTER TO THE EDITOR | Relax, Bro(s)

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Against popular opinion, I must say I am truly enjoying all of the content you are publishing. From topics on free speech to Greek life — you’re doing it all. And you’re doing it poignantly. That being said, I need you to relax this week. All these serious topics on local and national events is, how do I put this, killing my vibe. Today is perhaps the most important national holiday after St. Patrick’s Day. I know how important your job is, but could you possibly consider taking the day off today? Maybe meet me on the slope for a quick smoke and I can pitch you my idea on why twinkies are the best drug day snack.

4/20

LETTER TO THE EDITOR: Bill Nye The ? Guy

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To the Editor:

If there’s one phrase that makes me think of college, it’s definitely “find yourself.” I know this sounds strange, but I’m here to show the world the definitely real truth about Bill Nye’s college experience. Surprisingly, Bill Nye entered Cornell having not yet “found himself.” Believe it or not, Bill entered Cornell in the Dyson school as a business major, and after working for hours in Mann library, became known as Bill Nye the BusinessMann. After being rejected from every business club on campus — despite his ability to make beautiful powerpoints that he considered to be a form of artwork and mode of personal expression — Nye decided to dabble in the humanities. 

He eased himself into the field by taking English classes. Though he wasn’t particularly drawn to any literary works, he developed an unrivaled and somewhat annoying knack for rhyme, as he was captivated by verse poetry, becoming known as Bill Nye the English Guy. He was then advised to try writing for The Sun by a professor.